Happy-ish
Why joy is the most terrifying difficult emotion.
“If you asked me what is the most terrifying difficult emotion that we experience as humans, I would say joy.”
Brené Brown
Um, say what?
Isn’t joy about fun, rollercoasters, and orgasms? What is Brené talking about? It reminded me of an episode of Star Wars The Clone Wars.
In the Defenders of Peace episode, Annikan, a couple of Jedi, and a few soldiers were helping the Lurmen not get decimated by the Separatists and their new fancy super weapon. The problem was the Lurmen’s pacifist leader Tee Watt Kaa, refused to do anything but surrender and die—which made him mad popular with the people who wanted to fight and live.
In the end the Jedi’s and crew defeated the Separatists and the Lurmen are alive to tell the tale. Kaa grudgingly thanks the Jedi by saying something like, ‘thank you…but I wonder at what cost?” Meaning we’re happy we’re alive but now some REALLY bad shit is probably gonna happen.
That’s what Brené Brown calls foreboding joy. Kaa should be happy as a clam and doing cartwheels like everyone else but he’s not. He’s not unhappy, he’s more like happy with an asterisk.
Brené Brown defines foreboding joy as paradoxical dread that clamps down on momentary joyfulness. When we lose the ability or willingness to be vulnerable, joy can feel like a setup and becomes foreboding.
If you’re anything like me you probably do this too. I was not only a pro at foreboding joy, I was master level. I’ll give you an example.
I booked a client and I needed to hire a bunch of artists for a very busy night.
First thought: happy happy joy joy. Second thought. What if I can’t get enough artists? Foreboding joy kicked in and now disaster is lurking around every corner.
I went from being genuinely excited to mediocrely neutral at best. I took on a wait and see approach to the situation. ‘I’ll be happy when…or if…’
I rehearsed tragedy over and over again like I was auditioning for the role of Othello.
On the other hand, what if I took the opposite approach?
What if I was happy that my new client found me. What if I appreciated the new revenue or opportunity? What if instead of fear I clung on to gratitude?
It’s not thinking positive and it’s not an attitude of gratitude. It’s a practice that can easily become part of your identity. Gratitude is what stops foreboding joy in its tracks. It helps you leave scarcity faster than passengers on Spirit airlines.
Brené Brown said,“I will never talk about joy for the rest of my career without talking about gratitude”.
And you shouldn’t either.
Adam